Late-Night Frustrations

I have no idea what to do with what I feel right now.

I feel lonely, and isolated, and trapped, and frightened.

I feel guilty for feeling lonely, and for wanting to cry. I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to cry; after all, I have friends - real friends, not the "friends" who disappeared on me a year ago, when I decided to leave the party. I am surrounded by people who care about me, and who are there for me when I need them, and when I screw up. I am deeply grateful for these people.

And yet, I'm not as close to any of them as I would like to be. I have intimacy issues; many friends but few, if any, close friends. I would very much like to change that, but I don't know how, and I'm frustrated and lonely.

I'm also angry, and I want to blame someone for the way I feel, but there is no one to blame. I want someone to come along and fix it, but there is no one who can fix it. My tendency is to blame myself for keeping everyone at arm's length, but I know that I am doing the best I can for right now.

I am also tired, and it is late; I'm sure that once I've had a good night's sleep things will look brighter. That's almost always how it works, with me.