Love & Fear

 "Perfect love casts out all fear." - 1 John 4:18.

I've heard people quote that verse all my life. I feel like it was meant to be comforting, but it never brought me comfort, just guilt. Because I was always afraid - so that must mean my "love" wasn't perfect enough. I needed to love God more, love my neighbors more, love my enemies more, so that the fear would finally be cast out. But it never was, because with every person I loved, there was a new fear - that I would love them too much and then God would take them away.

Friend-fatuation

 So something kinda weird is happening with me right now.

I’m a little infatuated with my roommate Dominick at the moment. 

He & I went to Denver last week to get his stuff out of storage. It was an overnight trip, and because he grew up there and lived there most of his life, he took me all around the city, showed me every place he’d ever lived, and took me to several of his favorite spots, both restaurants and shops.

It was SO. MUCH. FUN.

I loved road-tripping with Dom, and we had a really good time.
The only way it could have been better is if Ken had been with us.

And now I’m a little infatuated with Dominick; our friendship grew some over those couple of days, and I’m excited about it. And on me, that friendship high looks exactly like a crush.

My brain is functionally unable to distinguish between friendship feelings and romance feelings.

This has led to some terrible situations in my life, when I didn’t know the difference. I’m trying to avoid a repeat of that, now that I do. But, somewhere along the way (and I know exactly where) I became afraid to speak about things like this - things that matter - to the people who are important to me.

So the conversation goes something like this:

(What I want to say): Hey… I’m sorry for being awkward the other day. I didn’t mean to freak you out by randomly telling you I loved you. I’m just still riding the high from the Denver trip. I had so much fun, and I loved hanging out with you, and I love having you for a friend - and there were also a lot of really big, intense feelings that got stirred up at the storage place, and I’m still spinning a little from it all. 

And my brain is weird and can’t tell the difference between friendship and romance, so it may look for a little while like I have a crush on you, but I swear I don’t. It’s not like that, please don’t be freaked out. I’m just excited about being your friend.

I’d like to know more about Brad; he sounds like an amazing person that I also would’ve loved.

And I’d like to tell you about Cassie, if you’re willing to hear it.

And I really want to know more about those boots!

 

(What I actually say): Hey… whatcha watching?

The Dilettante And The Dragon

 

"The Dilettante And The Dragon"

2014, latex and acrylic on canvas, textile inset

What Was I Thinking?

I started blogging in 2003, and for years I used my blog as a kind of open journal. It allowed me to write about the things that were going on in my life, yet forced me to put a positive spin on things (most of the time.)

The format of the blog has changed a few times since then, but the original writings are something that I still value. The memories that they hold are important to me, and they are an important part of what my life is all about today.

Here then, are the original posts from 2003 through... well, now.

Functional Graffiti

Elephant In The Park

Silent Night

Emily and I got home from Group a little while ago, and I'm just kind of sitting here and enjoying some down-time. I've thought a couple of times that I should turn on some music, but I haven't done it yet. Instead I'm sitting in the quiet, listening to all the sounds that bleed through from outside this room:

• "Clair de Lune" playing in Emily's room
• Someone going up and down the hall on what sounds like a Segway
• Cars and trucks speeding past on the highway outside
• And an obnoxiously loud, fast motorcycle - the kind that always makes me wonder what the rider is compensating for...

Almost Home

The Expo Center MAX station; last stop on the Yellow Line.

Walk The Walk

Been watching Food Network today. They have a new commercial that features Poe's song "Walk The Walk." That was the song (and the album) I had on repeat when I was doing the Batik painting.

I've slacked off a bit the last couple days. There's been a lot of stress, and it's left me feeling a little flat. But I know that if I want to call myself an artist, and really make a go of it, I'm going to have to do some work. I can't expect the inspiration and the ability to just be there when I want it, if I don't put some effort into it. It's a problem I've had my whole life - laziness and lack of discipline, especially with things that come easily to me.

So, new goal: put something on paper every day. Doodle, sketch, draw, paint, whatever. Gotta keep working...or the couch potato will take over!