Where did the word 'cocktail' (as in a mixed drink) come from?
Why is that little bottle opener tool-thingy called a church key?
Who was the first guy ever to look at a cow and say
"I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em"? (that one's from Calvin and Hobbes, but it's a damn good question)
Why am I "skittish" around men?
How's Annie?
High of 76; Low 62. Slightly overcast with a nice little breeze blowing and a possibility of rain in the afternoon. The birds are twittering around the backyard, having breakfast with the cracker crumbs my roommate scattered for them. The house is cool and breezy, and everybody is already up and about and planning their Saturdays.
My Saturday agenda is completely, beautifully blank. I think I'll go out and spend some quality time with the hammock later, maybe listen to Jess Klein.
Beverly*, another one of my roommates, has a lot of stuff set out on the kitchen counter; looks like she's planning to cook something. So I'll probably sit on the tall kitchen stool and talk to her while she cooks and nip any yummy tidbits that might happen to wander my way.
I'm in the middle of a book that I can probably manage to finish this afternoon.
Maybe I'll get that plant repotted, the one my mom and dad sent me.
And this evening, maybe I'll finally start drawing pictures all over those khaki jeans that I never wear anymore, like I've planned to do for a while now.
Maybe I'll finally learn to play that stupid guitar.
Maybe I'll just learn to fly instead.
I should be cleaning my room right now. And yet here I am, in front of the computer...I have no idea what I want to write about, but it beats hanging up clothes.
Maybe I'll just start typing at random...what's that theory? That three monkeys, typing into infinity, will eventually write Hamlet? Something like that.
"Bedsocks, knockwurst, Tinkerbell!" - "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!" - "Stuckelschwantz!"
...Sorry. Got a bit carried away. (50 points to anyone who knows where all that came from, though.)
Okay! My roomie just told me she's gonna go tan, so I'm going to go with her, and that'll get me out of cleaning for an hour or so. Maybe I'll carry on with the randomness later.
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you?
Make a little birdhouse in your soul…
I once took one of those internet personality tests, only it was a “geek test” – and one of the questions was whether you listen to They Might Be Giants. What’s that about, I wonder? I admit that I am a geek…but I didn’t ever know that listening to TMBG contributed to one’s geekiness. I think they’re cool! Of course, since I am a self-confessed geek, maybe what I think is cool is subject to some scrutiny… I mean, I know “Particle Man” is kind of dweeby, even if it is familiar to many people. Maybe that’s my problem - I know too much of their music. Maybe it’s acceptable to be silly and sing along to “Istanbul (Not Constan-tinople)” …but what if I told you my favorite three songs off this album (Flood) are “We Want A Rock,” “Dead,” and “Women And Men”? And that I also like “Don’t Let’s Start” from their 1986 self-titled album, not because it’s such a great song particularly, but because another band recently did a remake of it that I really like. That band is Common Rotation, which I’ve mentioned here before, and the reason I know about them is…No, I can’t do it! This is a band that - at least in Texas - almost no one seems to have heard of, and whose CDs are nearly impossible to find outside of their website. I hate to destroy the coolness of that by telling why I know about them. But if you read or hear anything about this band, odds are, you will eventually learn that the lead singer, Adam Busch, had a recurring role on TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer – he played Warren, one of the sixth season’s “evil nerd trio,” who was crucial to the final episodes and plot twists of that season. Now he fronts a band that toured with They Might Be Giants, and covered one of their songs. (It's a good song - you should listen to it, and I think you can if you click the link and go to their website.)
So there, now I’ve established my geekhood forever. But that’s okay - I have my own brand of cool.
This is the text of a song called "These R The Thoughts" by Alanis Morissette, which just came on my radio. I love this song, not only because the words are great, but because she took the words and then fit them to the melody. The rhythms of the sentences, and of the words themselves, are broken so that the melody comes through. The text, when written out, doesn't look like a song at all; there's no pattern to it. And the tune, catchy though it is, isn't really substantial enough to be called a song. But when they are put together, it's wonderful! This is one of the reasons why I love Alanis' music so much, and this is the kind of songwriter I would love to be someday.
These are the thoughts that go through my head, in my backyard on a Sunday afternoon, when I have the house to myself and I am not expending all that energy on fighting with my boyfriend:
Is he the one that I will marry?
Why’s it so hard to be objective about myself?
Why do I feel cellularly alone?
Am I supposed to live in this crazy city?
Can blindly continued, fear-induced, regurgitated,
life-denying tradition be overcome?
Where does the money go
that I send to those in need?
If we have so much
why do some people have nothing, still?
Why do I feel frantic
when I first wake up in the morning?
Why do you say you are spiritual,
yet you treat people like shit?
How can you say you’re close to God,
and yet you talk behind my back
as though I’m not a part of you?
Why do I say I’m fine, when it’s obvious I am not?
Why’s it so hard to tell you what I want?
Why can’t you just read my mind?
Why do I fear that the quieter I am,
the less you will listen?
Why do I care whether you like me or not?
Why’s it so hard for me to be angry?
Why is it such work to stay conscious
and so easy to get stuck,
and not the other way around?
Will I ever move back to Canada?
Can I be with a lover with whom I am
a student and a master?
Why am I encouraged to shut my mouth
when it gets too close to home?
Why cannot I live in the moment?
Why am I blonde?
My natural hair color is what I liked to call “honey brown” – light brown/dark blonde, with red and gold tones. I like the color of my hair.
And yet, the day after New Year’s, I went blonde. Not quite sure why. I like it; I just don’t fully understand why I did it.
One thing about me – I was a theatre major. So in my world, nothing happens at random. The tiniest details have meaning and symbolism, and there are no accidents. (Theoretically, that is. In reality, of course there are accidents.)
I met Kathy Bates once – the first film she directed, called Dash and Lilly, premiered here in Dallas a few years ago, and was followed by a question-and-answer session. The film was about the relationship between Dashiell Hammett and Lillian Hellman, and in one scene they were arguing over the fact that he was a bigger celebrity at the time, and how she felt invisible whenever they walked into a room together. In the scene, she was wearing a burgundy-colored dress, which matched the burgundy wallpaper behind her almost exactly. So their argument became literal; she disappeared into the scenery, while he stood out in his tuxedo and white shirt-front.
I loved that. I thought it was a great touch, and in the question-and-answer, I asked Kathy Bates whether that had been her idea as director, or whether those details were the work of the costumer or set designer (as a theater student, I was interested in the level of collaboration that went into the film, and whether everyone involved had contributed to the imagery, or if it was mainly the work of the director, with the designers simply carrying out her ideas and vision.)
She answered by apologizing for that…it was an oversight that nobody caught. She apparently hadn’t noticed how the effect enhanced the scene and the conversation in question, until I asked about it!
So accidents do happen. And then they, too, get incorporated into the symbolism – the “I meant to do that” effect. And the theory that every little thing has meaning continues. (That theory, by the way, is called “semiotics”. It can be a lot of fun, if you take it too seriously.)
My choice to change my hair color on 2 January - the day after a disappointing New Year’s Eve - could be worth questioning…and I’m fairly sure the two events are related somehow, but I’m not sure how I got from that particular stimulus to that particular response.
And now, looking back…I remember that the blondeness was an accident at the time. I was trying to just lighten my hair overall, with some streaks of all-the-way blonde – and I miscalculated and ended up with blonde hair. And then I kind of liked it, so I kept it, and played with it some more – cut it shorter, and later on added (semi-permanent) pink streaks. (Sometimes I feel like Frenchie, from Grease!)
I like the blonde, random though it was at first. It’s something that I never expected to do, but I’ve gotten used to it and I think it suits me now. Don’t know how long I’ll keep it…or what will trigger the next change.
I've been talking to my best friend in the world on the computer - I love talking to Kenny, because he knows me better than anyone else in the world, and he has a degree in psychology (very useful.)
And yet, we have a lot of history together, which means things can get tricky sometimes.
Kenny and I haven't been a couple for years. We've both struggled, at various times, with having to accept that it's over, and it's time to move on. There have been long periods when we haven't even been in contact with one another, yet the bond between us is strong enough that we always find our way back eventually, and I'm very grateful for that.
Because of our history together, and because of all we've been through, I am totally comfortable with Kenny, and I trust him. I can talk to him about things I can't talk about to anybody else - like the fear and hurt I felt when I didn't hear from my parents for an unusually long time, and the fears that kept me from pursuing my dream of being a singer. I've also talked to him about Ethan*, a guy I like a lot, about an evening I spent at his house last weekend, and about the unreasonable fear that keeps me from letting him know how much I like him.
I'm wondering now if telling him all that was a mistake. Because tonight, when I came back to our conversation after being away for a minute, Kenny chose to ignore my explanation for why I'd been away, and said instead that I must be messing around with Ethan - "don't try to cover it up", he said. He was joking, but there was jealousy behind the remark, and that really annoyed me.
I thought we'd moved on, and had both reached a point where we can be the kind of friends who talk to one another about things like this. It was really hard for me to accept the fact that it's over between us; that the mistakes I made can't be taken back; and that I have to go on with my life and learn to think of Kenny as a friend, nothing more. (Even though he is, and will always be, so much more than "just" a friend.) And I'm finally able to do that, to be grateful for the friendship we have, without wishing for anything more - and now he's gotta go and act jealous (and let me just say, Kenny is in no position to be jealous over me!)
As for Ethan, there's not even anything going on there. And most likely, there won't be. Much as I like him, I have too many issues to get through; I'm just not dateable right now. There's some kind of pattern with me and men, that only allows me to get to a certain degree of closenes before I freeze up, or he loses interest, or whatever. It's like there's an invisible force field around me, and I know that somehow, for some reason, I put it there... I know it has something to do with my dad, but I haven't figured out yet how it's all connected, and I don't know how to make it go away. Meanwhile, another guy asked me out, one that I'm not at all interested in, and I got to practice turning someone down gracefully, and not being horrible to him afterwards - all the while wondering, why is it always the ones you don't like, and never the ones you do?
And now on top of all that, I feel betrayed because Kenny is trying to bring some weird element into our friendship that does not belong there.
Can't we all just get along?
All I want is to be friends with both of these guys.
Just Friends - that's it. No romance, no jealousy,
no awkwardness of trying to deal with my issues before the're ready to be dealt with, and no ghosts of emotions past coming back to spoil the friendships of the present.
Is that really so much to ask?
(I dunno, but while I'm asking...I'd also like a new car.)
*Names have been changed
You ever have one of those friends who isn't really a friend, but you keep in touch with them anyway?
Kristin* is a girl I work with. We used to be friends - I used to think she was one of the coolest people I'd ever met. Time went by, things changed, and a while back I started describing her to people who didn't know her by saying "she's really cool, outside of work." But now, I never hang out with her outside of work...and I'm not sure I'd find her all that cool, even if I did.
On the plus side, Kristin is very intelligent, and well-educated. She's artistic, likes music, films, books, dancing, good food, good conversation...you name it. Like me, her taste tends toward the obscure - if most people have never heard of it, she probably has. She seems to have a lot of confidence and a good sense of herself.
As I've worked with her though, I've seen that she is an overwhelmingly negative person, almost always angry or annoyed or not feeling well. She's also a closet alcoholic, and she's bipolar, self-centered, and extremely opinionated. And she's six feet tall, and she's loud - so she takes up a lot of space, and a lot of the time that space is filled with negative energy.
I was trying to talk to her today, about something work-related, but I was in a fairly good mood and was joking around a bit. She cut me off and said "You know what? I don't have time right now for bullshit."
That was it for me. I've kept Kristin on my "friends" list way too long, and she's not worth it. We rarely spend time together as friends, and when we're at work, she talks down to me a lot, and doesn't make me feel good about myself. And listening to her complain all day, all the time, makes my job much harder. That's something I can't get away from until I find a new job...but I'm through claiming her as a friend.
I have so many wonderful friends, who make every day joyful for me, and I am so thankful for them, and I don't even need to waste my time with people who aren't worth it. I was so insecure for so long, that it's a great feeling now to realize that I don't need Kristin. So here's to one less "friend" at the end of the day!
*Names have been changed.
Ever since I was a kid, I've believed in what I saw. I think that has a lot to do with why I'm as messed up as I am today.
Example: the "cool" kids who picked on me all through school - I always thought they were really as tough as they pretended to be. I was well into adulthood before I understood that they were just scared, stupid kids like me, only with better masks.
I watched innumerable sitcoms and romantic comedies, and came to believe that the happy ending was a reality in every situation. I thought that everyone who hurt me would either apologize or get theirs in the end. I fell for guys who underestimated or ignored me, firmly convinced that they would come to appreciate me finally, because I'd been there for them, devoted and dependable through it all.
Madison Avenue, with its ideals of what a woman should look like and how she should dress - that messed me up for years, because I totally believed it!
And I thought my family had it all together - that they were perfect and normal, so that was how I was supposed to be. Being good seemed to come so easily for all of them; it wasn't easy for me, so I thought I must be the misfit. And that went for almost everybody around me, as well - they all seemed to be so cool and together; if they struggled the way I did, I never knew it, so I was jealous of everyone and never felt like I fit in anywhere.
I'm learning now, not only to accept that I am flawed (and that that's ok) but that everybody else is, too. I feel much more normal now that I've realized there's really no such thing, and that what you see on the surface isn't all there is, and that maybe the people I always envied because they seemed to have it all figured out, were just as lost and screwed-up as me, underneath it all.
A friend of mine said it really well - as we drove past a Victoria's Secret billboard, he pointed up to the model and said "You know, somewhere there's a man who's sick and tired of putting up with her shit."
