You know the routine. Someone special comes along - maybe not so special right at first, or maybe the two of you bond right away, like we did - and sooner or later, you find yourself dancing around those three words. You want to say them, but you don't, for the usual variety of reasons: you've only known each other a few months, you don't know if they feel the same way...and of course, once you say them - that's it. It's out, they know how you feel, there's no taking it back. If you're like so many of us, you've said the words before, to other people, in other times and places, and you've gotten burned, and you've come to fear what those three words can do.
Maybe you choose to ease into it - you say the words to other people, when the person isn't around - see how it feels. Let yourself get comfortable with the idea of saying them out loud. Then eventually you're ready to take the plunge and say the words, and let that special someone know how you feel.
Me, I did it by accident. I've used the words a few times when talking to other people - then I used them here, in a post that I wrote a few days ago, about somebody totally else - I was angry and disappointed with one of my other friends, and I wasn't paying attention when those three words slipped in: my best friend. It wasn't until later, when I asked her to read the post, that I realized what I'd done. That she would see what I'd written about her.
My best friend. Oh god, I said it - not out loud, but in print. And now the questions begin: Is that okay? Am I being presumptuous? Am I going to end up looking stupid? Will she feel sorry for me because I may not be her best friend?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M STILL IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL???
There's been quite a procession of "best friends" through my life. There was Erin, in eigth grade, who moved to another city and said she'd write me with her new address; that was the last I ever heard of her. Then there was Elissa, in high school, who started dating a guy who'd started out as a friend of mine, too...that was the end of both of those friendships. In college there was Sarah - she was great, we even had a house together when we moved off-campus. But then she got married and everything changed. Later on there was Amy, who ended up getting lost in the haze of a party scene that got to be too brutal for me. There were several other minor players in between those, but those are the highlights.
And now, it seems, there is Jessica...
Authors Note (six months later): Turns out Jessica wasn't even much of a highlight. That friendship was intense and all-consuming, but it didn't take much for it to fall apart. And once it was in pieces, I found it wasn't really worth trying to put back together. Other relationships have proven to be much stronger in the long run, and they haven't left me much time to regret the ones that couldn't hold up. All the same, I don't find myself using those three little words much anymore. They've come and gone too many times for me to really trust them again. Maybe some day...
