Winks

There are certain skills that I just don't have, and I think winking is one of them. You know how some people can wink at you, just barely, and it's so cool and sexy? I can't do that. It always looks dumb when I do it, I end up squinching up half of my face. Not a huge loss, to be honest, because that little wink is so much more effective when it comes from a man. But still...

Another skill I don't have is the ability to raise one eyebrow at a time. I've always wanted to be able to do that, and always envied people who could. My eyebrows just aren't very expressive at all, and in my next life - or whatever life comes after this one - I want to have beautifully arched, movable eyebrows.

But there are things I can do! for example, I can say Supercalafragilisticexpialidocious backwards. And, now that I think about it, I can also sing 'Row Row Row Your Boat' backwards. (Thanks, Sarah!) And I can sing 'Love, Unrequited, Robs Me Of My Rest' along with Mandy Patinkin - and that's something you have to hear to be able to fully appreciate.

I can also type while watching TV. Not sure what we're watching right now, but it began with the discovery of an arm in a puddle of blood, and a lion on the other side of a door, chewing on what can only be assumed was the corresponding leg. It's either Medical Investigation or Third Watch - I never heard the final decision, and since I never watch either, it's all the same to me!

That's not dust, it's Enchantment

Well, whatever it is, it's making me sneeze.

New Mexico - The Land Of Enchantment. Or, as my mom sometimes calls it, the "Land of Manana." It's a weird place, both incredibly beautiful and incredibly ugly. Rich folks come here to play in the snow, and city folks dream of it as a place to get away from it all.

I can tell you it's roughly eight hours' drive from Dallas, and in a fourteen-foot U-Haul truck, that's about seven and a half hours too much.

The welcome I got at the end of the ride was nothing short of enchanting.

Making Progress

 

I wrote that, I guess about a year ago. I just found it in an old notebook as I was going through some of the clutter in my room. It sounds like something I would have written in a moment of either frustration or mocking self-criticism. But - however true it may have been then, I don't think it's true anymore - and that's what I like about it.

A moment of Zen

Today is the greatest day I've ever known...

Don't really know what made today so pleasant...I worked for most of the day. But I got to work with my friends and my job is interesting and fun, and I'm reading a book that I enjoy (a couple of them, actually) and this morning I rediscovered an old favorite album by James Taylor. I got some new pillows that I can already tell will soon be on my list of favorite things - a list that includes my three old women made of paper, my butterfly mobile, and my purple and white sarong, which I use as a throw (and of which I did a painting a couple years ago.) It was rainy today, but not cold, and on the bus on the way home I listened to some more songs that I really like. All in all, a very good day, even if there wasn't much to it. I'm feeling content, and very much at peace - quite an improvement from that whole me-vs.-me argument of the other night!

Me vs. Me

What is that?

What?

What's that on the ground? Is that what I think it is?

No. Don't. Don't mess with it, don't pick it u--

It is what I think it is!

Okay, fine. Now put it down.

It looks good, too. It's all fat & squishy.

No! You can't. You are insane to even be thinking about it, you know you can't do that.

Where can I put it? Not in the pockets, too easily found...besides it could start coming apart all in my pocket. But there's nowhere else... The inside pocket? - okay, that'll do. Till I get it home.

What are you doing??? What if somebody saw you pick that up? What if there are cops around? Just having that could get you in trouble!

Nobody saw me.

I cannot believe you're gonna take that to the house. What are you going to do with it?

Hide it. Put it in a ziplock bag, a little one if I can find one.

And then what? You're never gonna be able to use it.

I could, at the end of the week, then there wouldn't be any...oh, no wait. By then he'll be here, and he won't... Well, I'll just save it.

You're insane!

No, I'll just hold on to it, there's bound to be a time when no one will be around.

While you're here? Do you have any idea what will happen if you get caught??? Is it worth that?

Yeah, I better not. But after... all I need is a few hours. No one will ever know.

What if he finds out? You know what he said, do you want to take the chance that he'll go easy on you? Can you keep a secret like that from him? Forever?

I could tell him, ask him if he'd let me do it. It would only be just this once, after all...

Listen to yourself!!! Just this once? Do you really think you can do it just once, and never again? Because you know it's gonna be good - even if it's lousy, it'll be good. You have to throw it away.

But I want it!

No. It's not worth it. Look how stressed out you are, just from having it in your pocket. Throw it away, and all the scenarios go away.

I can't...I want it.  I'll save it - I'll hide it... I WANT IT!!!

No! Throw it away. Just drop it on the ground and keep walking, and it'll be over. Don't think about it. You know you're gonna have to do it. Reach into the pocket, find it...now crumple it up and drop it on the ground. Now walk awa--

That's okay, it's still in big chunks, I can come back later and still find it.

NO! Go back, step on it, and make sure it's all the way gone. DO IT! Now shuffle your foot across it, kick it over that way, and the rest of it over there. Okay, now it's gone. Now walk away.

I hate you.

If I Were A Crayon...

This is in response to my friend Jake's blog for today. He posted one of those questionnaire-style surveys, with about fifty questions that tell your reader all about you. He had some really great answers, too...but he seemed not to think anybody would read it or respond to it. It was a little much to put in the comments section of his blog, so I just responded here, in my own blog. I notice he left out a few questions, so I've left it that way. So here's more about me than anybody probably ever wanted to know...

1. First name? Stephanie

2. Were you named after anyone? Not that I know of

3. Do you wish on stars? Not so much anymore

4. When did you last cry? This afternoon, for about three seconds, when I was waiting for the bus in the cold and the rain, and my umbrella turned inside-out, and some lady in a minivan drove by and splashed me from head to toe. I was so mad, and so cold, I just lost it for a minute...

5. Do you like your handwriting?  Yes

6. What's your favorite lunchmeat? Roast beef...with lots of horseradish, or at least pickles & onions

7. What is your birthdate? 26 November, 19seventy-something

8. Your most embarrasing CD? The soundtrack to 'Once More, With Feeling' - the musical episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

9. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? I think so...I try to be the kind of person I'd want to have as a friend

18. Do you have a journal? You're reading it!

19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Much more than I'd like

22. What are your nicknames? Just Steph - not really a nickname, just a shortened form

23. Would you bungee jump? I'd like to someday, but it would be hard

24. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Almost never

25. Do you think that you are strong? Yes...not as strong as some of the women I know, maybe, there are experiences I haven't had to go through, but I'm thankful for the strength I have

26. Favorite ice-cream flavor? Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake

28. Shoe size? 71/2 - 8

29. Red or pink? Red!

30. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My self-centeredness, and self-destructive tendencies

31. Who do you miss most? Kenny

32. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? Not really. If anyone wants to though, they can send it to my email

33. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Grey cargo pants - no shoes, just socks

34. What are you listening to right now? Launchcast (Pearl Jam, Yellow Ledbetter)

35. Last thing you ate? Shells & cheese, and a handful of Reese's bites

36. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Razzmatazz

37. What is the weather like right now? Rainy and cold and yucky

38. Last person you talked to on the phone? Kenny's mother

39. First thing you notice about the opposite sex? His smile

40. Do you like the person that sent this to you? Yes, I do

42. Favorite drink? (See yesterday's entry)

43. Favorite sport? Anything non-competetive

44. Hair color? Various shades of blonde

45. Eye color? Blue

46. Do you wear contacts? I should, but I don't have any right now, so I'm blind

48. Favorite Food? Seafood!!

49. Last movie you watched? Don't totally remember...Bridget Jones 2? Napoleon Dynamite? Serendipity? Watched all those recently, but don't remember which one I watched last.

50. Favorite day of the year? August 8th

51. Scary movies, or happy endings? Happy endings, definitely

52. Summer or winter? Summer!

53. Hugs or kisses? Kisses

55. What is your favorite dessert? After much deliberation I hafta say, my mother's chocolate-cinnamon torte. I get shivers just thinking about it!

56. Who is most likely to respond? If any, I think I'll get comments from the people who usually read and/or comment on my blogs - Ang, Ken, Rand...and I hope Jake will at least see and appreciate

57. Who is least likely to respond? Anybody not mentioned above

58. Living arrangements? Six roommates, baby!

59. What books are you reading? Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius

60. What's on your mousepad? A calculator

62. What did you watch last night on TV? Nothing, but the night before was 'Desperate Housewives' and 'Huff'-!!

63. Favorite smells? Pier 1's Cranberry Citrus, and the smell of the grass growing as winter turns to spring.

64. Favorite sounds? This is kinda weird, but I love the sounds of the carwash near my house...the guys park and leave their car doors open and their stereos on, and you can hear three or four different rap songs competing with each other, and the sound of the traffic and the drive-thru next door, and the birds singing...it's very ghetto, but it reminds me of good things, like when I first moved into my house, and all the hustle and bustle of the city that I love.

65. Rolling Stones or Beatles? oh, Beatles all the way!

66. What's the furthest you've been from home? Chicago - farthest and furthest - I was a long way from home that summer.

67. Do you have a special talent? I can sing