Upheaved

Hi, this is Hal. I'm not here right now. If you need to get in touch with me, I'm either at the old house, the new house, somebody else's house, at work, or...somewhere else. Wherever I am, chances are I just left there. Try again in an hour or a week.

Fly away and be at rest

I don’t know why, but the sleep I get in my bed each night doesn’t seem to count. It just isn’t enough. By the time I go to bed, I’m already dreading the time when I’ll have to get up again and start the next day’s grind. So even in sleep, the stress of my day-to-day life crowds me with its schedules and appointments, and errands and to-do lists.

I want to be able to sleep during the day. I want to lay me down, comfortable and safe in the knowledge that there’s nothing I have to do, and that I can sleep as much or as little as I like. Only then will I truly feel rested.

For now, I’m listening to Blues Traveler, and that’s working pretty well. John Popper’s voice is as familiar as an old friend, and I always feel at home as soon as he begins to sing to me; and “Manhattan Bridge” is just so beautiful, it makes me feel like I’m already in heaven and I won’t ever have to wake up again.

OVERLOAD

My life is running on "essential functions only" right now, and everything's gotten to be just a little too much. I'm tired, not physically but emotionally. This weekend was very, very hard. I learned a lot - cried a lot - and I'm still sorting through what's left of what I thought I knew, or felt, about anything.

I'm trying to write about all this because I know it's good for me to get it out of my brain, but I don't really know what to say, or where to begin, and nothing is making a lot of sense to me just now. And I have a hard time believing that anybody out there really cares that I'm mourning the loss of a friend who isn't mourning the loss of me. Or that I'm having to learn to let go of someone I love (again) because talking to him hurts me. Or that I'm so tired, and so close to a breaking point, that it's hard to even enjoy the good things in my life - like all my wonderful friends, and the new house that I'm about to move into. I love spending time with the other girls, and they really have kept me sane during the last few days, and I'm so thankful for them...but as soon as I get to work, or on my way to whatever I have to do next, I get overwhelmed again so easily, and it's really discouraging. I just want to shut down for a day or so, hide from everybody and everything, and sleep so I won't have to think, and wake up to a new version of reality that's already all sorted out and settled into place.

Disneyland

It's a nice day if you wake up in Disneyland

That's a line from a song I just heard on my radio.

Maybe it's just me, but that doesn't bring a very pleasant image to my mind...I'm picturing some guy in yesterday's clothes, hair stuck to his face, disoriented and stumbling out of the flower bed where he passed out the night before.

I'm sure they wouldn't really let that happen in Disneyland, would they?

I am...

what I eat (usually either sweet or spicy)

a librocubicularist

an Alanis Morissette fan

a Sagittarian

way too close to the big 3-oh

older than I look, but younger than I am

a geek, and a weirdo

a pyrophobe

a starving artist

a dilettante

not really a waitress

a Twin Peaks fan

an addict

a Texas native (Hey, y'all!)

Calvin and Hobbes

insecure about my looks

short

a child of the 80s

a Beatles fan

a smart-aleck

smarter than I act sometimes

a dreamer

afraid of too many things

uncategorizable (at least I hope so)

a little bit different every day

Roadside Oddities

My friend and I were out for a drive on a Saturday morning, and we passed a man walking, and he was carrying one of those dog leashes that rolls up inside a plastic carrying case. We both noticed it - but it was my friend who pointed out that the guy didn't have a dog with him. That didn't even occur to me...

The next day I was out with several friends, driving around looking at houses. During the course of the afternoon we saw: a guy dressed up as a sub sandwich, a real-live bunny rabbit hopping through someone's front yard (this was in the middle of Dallas, TX, and it was Easter Sunday!), and another guy in a chicken suit. I took Rain Man-style snapshots of all three from the car window.

And today, another friend told me about a time when she was stopped at a red light, and saw two guys in cow suits, selling leather furniture (...?) and directly across the intersection from them was a homeless man holding a cardboard sign asking for money, and eating a Snickers bar.

Failure

There are certain situations in which I am supposed to be an "enforcer" - impartial and objective, like Ted the Bellhop wielding the cleaver in the last segment of Four Rooms. But tonight I couldn't do it. After the Cristal, and the Benjamins, and the persuasive patter of Quentin Tarantino, I turned to see that the guy with his hand on the chopping block was a friend of mine, and I couldn't do it. In the end, I had to hand the cleaver over to someone else.

I feel like I've let my friends down by not being able to do the job I was called to do; and I feel like I've betrayed my other friend by handing the cleaver to someone who will wield it, instead of just winking at the rules and letting him keep his little finger, whether he upholds his end of the bargain or not - because he's my friend, and friends are supposed to look out for each other, aren't they?

I'm hating myself right now. There are times when "doing the right thing" just sucks, and this is one of those times. And when I say I did the right thing, it's not from any kind of smug, satisfied self-righteousness - I only believe what I did was the right thing because that's what people keep telling me, people whose opinions I trust. I don't feel like I did the right thing at all. I feel like a failure, and a back-stabber. And a joke.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

Gratitude List

These are some of the things I was thankful for today:

1. My coworkers - the ones who keep me laughing, and the ones who remind me of what I don't want to be like!

2. My customers' patience and generosity

3. My wonderful friends - all the new ones, and the few but cherished old ones

4. That I have enough close friends now, that I'm having to learn to juggle them - spend a little time with each one, and not get too fixated on anyone, and not ignore anyone for too long

5. That I have a great smile, and a cheerful face

6. That I have a car, even though it doesn't work sometimes

7. For public transportation - when I do have to use it, I'm glad it's there so I can get where I need to go

8. That I have a friend who's willing to give up his day off, to fix my car for me

9. That I made rent again!

10. That I've had really good music to listen to all day - including Alanis' new song, Everything

11. Web-cams, great memories, and learning what it means for a guy to make a girl blush!