To My Friend, Part 2

Here's what I've learned this week:

1. It never occurred to me that not everyone is suited for the "tough love" approach. My best friend does it wonderfully, and I love her ability to tell me what I don't want to hear, in such a way that I can accept it. I tried to do that with a friend of mine, and it was a disaster.

I said the wrong thing, at the wrong time. I don't know, I guess some people can do it and some can't, and it would seem that I'm one of the ones who can't. So, okay. I screwed up, and I feel bad, but I learned that "tough love" isn't my style, and I doubt I'll try it again.

2. I learned that even when I screw up, I don't have to feel guilty forever. My friend, apparently, is furious with me, and doesn't seem to want to talk to me. But I apologized, very sincerely - many times over - and that's all I can do. I won't beg, because I shouldn't have to. I screwed up. It happens; it's happened before, and it will happen again. I'm sorry for what I said, but I won't continue to beat myself up over it. If he doesn't want to talk to me, then I'm sorry for that too.

3. I learned that I don't have to minimize my own feelings because someone else is hurting. I'm sorry for what my friend is going through. I can't imagine how badly he must be hurting. But when I realized the mistake I had made, I felt terrible - and when I apologized and got nothing but silence in return, I was hurt, too. And while my pain may be less than his, it is every bit as valid. The idea that I don't have a right to be upset, because of his greater pain, is wrong.

So, to my friend: I'm sorry. If you can't, or won't, accept that, then I'm sorry for that, too - but I'm also angry. I get that you're going through something horrible, and I wish I could do more to help you. But you know what's going on with me; all the issues that I'm working through don't get magically resolved because you need me to be the perfect supportive friend. I've tried to put my own difficulties aside in order to be there for you. But I can't do this much more, especially if you won't even talk to me; at some point I have to take care of myself. I'm sorry I can't be what you need me to be...but I'm still willing to do whatever I can. I'd like to be a better friend in the future - if you're willing to give me the chance.