Why?

I've been posting these whimsical anecdotes about the hilarity that surrounds my life, but the laughter is starting to sound forced, and there's a ringing in my ears. Behind the face that dutifully puts on a smile every morning, the thoughts are getting cloudy.

I started this experiment a little over a year ago, and now that all this time has passed, I can't really see a lot of difference. I'm starting to wonder, what was the point? To give me a better life? To make everything make sense? Or just to keep me out of jail? Why am I still doing this?

I'm still at the same crappy job, and I'm actually struggling more financially than I was a year ago. I still don't have a car (I did for a minute, but that's about all...they're gonna haul it away in the morning.) I'm still single, and lonely. I gained weight, lost it, and then gained it back. I still have a tendency to procrastinate, to toss my money away, and to compare myself to everybody around me. After all of it, at the end of the day I'm still myself, and I'm not real happy with that today. And I'm still so tired, of everything.

I know what I'm supposed to be doing, but right now it just doesn't seem to be making any difference. I'm gonna go try some more though, because right now there just isn't any alternative. (Not any good one, anyway...)