What Was I Thinking?

12 April 2021

Love & Fear

"Perfect love casts out all fear." - 1 John 4:18.

I've heard people quote that verse all my life. I feel like it was meant to be comforting, but it never brought me comfort, just guilt. Because I was always afraid - so that must mean my "love" wasn't perfect enough. I needed to love God more, love my neighbors more, love my enemies more, so that the fear would finally be cast out. But it never was, because with every person I loved, there was a new fear - that I would love them too much and then God would take them away.

28 February 2021

Friend-fatuation

So something kinda weird is happening with me right now.

I’m a little infatuated with my roommate Dominick at the moment.

He & I went to Denver last week to get his stuff out of storage. It was an overnight trip, and because he grew up there and lived there most of his life, he took me all around the city, showed me every place he’d ever lived, and took me to several of his favorite spots, both restaurants and shops.

It was SO. MUCH. FUN.

I loved road-tripping with Dom, and we had a really good time.
The only way it could have been better is if Ken had been with us.

And now I’m a little infatuated with Dominick; our friendship grew some over those couple of days, and I’m excited about it. And on me, that friendship high looks exactly like a crush.

My brain is functionally unable to distinguish between friendship feelings and romance feelings.

This has led to some terrible situations in my life, when I didn’t know the difference. I’m trying to avoid a repeat of that, now that I do. But, somewhere along the way (and I know exactly where) I became afraid to speak about things like this - things that matter - to the people who are important to me.

So the conversation goes something like this:

(What I want to say): Hey… I’m sorry for being awkward the other day. I didn’t mean to freak you out by randomly telling you I loved you. I’m just still riding the high from the Denver trip. I had so much fun, and I loved hanging out with you, and I love having you for a friend - and there were also a lot of really big, intense feelings that got stirred up at the storage place, and I’m still spinning a little from it all.

And my brain is weird and can’t tell the difference between friendship and romance, so it may look for a little while like I have a crush on you, but I swear I don’t. It’s not like that, please don’t be freaked out. I’m just excited about being your friend.

I’d like to know more about Brad; he sounds like an amazing person that I also would’ve loved.

And I’d like to tell you about Cassie, if you’re willing to hear it.

And I really want to know more about those boots!

(What I actually say): Hey… whatcha watching?

14 July 2014

The Dilettante And The Dragon

"The Dilettante And The Dragon"

2014, latex and acrylic on canvas, textile inset

08 August 2010

What Was I Thinking?

I started blogging in 2003, and for years I used my blog as a kind of open journal. It allowed me to write about the things that were going on in my life, yet forced me to put a positive spin on things (most of the time.)

The format of the blog has changed a few times since then, but the original writings are something that I still value. The memories that they hold are important to me, and they are an important part of what my life is all about today.

Here then, are the original posts from 2003 through... well, now.

01 March 2010

Functional Graffiti

11 February 2010

Elephant In The Park

20 January 2010

Silent Night

Emily and I got home from Group a little while ago, and I'm just kind of sitting here and enjoying some down-time. I've thought a couple of times that I should turn on some music, but I haven't done it yet. Instead I'm sitting in the quiet, listening to all the sounds that bleed through from outside this room:

"Clair de Lune" playing in Emily's room
Someone going up and down the hall on what sounds like a Segway
Cars and trucks speeding past on the highway outside
And an obnoxiously loud, fast motorcycle - the kind that always makes me wonder what the rider is compensating for...

19 January 2010

17 January 2010

Almost Home

The Expo Center MAX station; last stop on the Yellow Line.

16 January 2010

Walk The Walk

Been watching Food Network today. They have a new commercial that features Poe's song "Walk The Walk." That was the song (and the album) I had on repeat when I was doing the Batik painting.

I've slacked off a bit the last couple days. There's been a lot of stress, and it's left me feeling a little flat. But I know that if I want to call myself an artist, and really make a go of it, I'm going to have to do some work. I can't expect the inspiration and the ability to just be there when I want it, if I don't put some effort into it. It's a problem I've had my whole life - laziness and lack of discipline, especially with things that come easily to me.

So, new goal: put something on paper every day. Doodle, sketch, draw, paint, whatever. Gotta keep working...or the couch potato will take over!

12 January 2010

Working

I've always treated painting as a luxury - a leisure activity that I couldn't indulge in unless everything else was done. When the dishes and the laundry were taken care of, when the house was clean, when everything else and everybody else had been tended to - then I would allow myself to paint. Except I almost never got to that point, and on the rare occasions when I did, all I wanted to do was go to bed! Meanwhile I searched for the answer to "What do I wanna be when I grow up?" because I was always very sure that I couldn't make a living as an artist. Now I find myself in a place where people all around me are making their livings as artists. I don't have a day job, and I'm left with nothing but time. All my excuses for not painting - everything that kept me from it - all gone. I remember my Granddad telling me once, years ago, that if I didn't find some way to use the artistic ability that I'd been given, it would be a real waste - and he was one of the smartest people I've ever known. Could it be that the thing I love to do is actually what I'm supposed to be doing? I don't know, but I no longer have anything keeping me from finding out.

This is just an exercise I'm working on, practicing lines & techniques, that kind of thing. It probably won't turn out to be anything, but it's fun to work on.

11 January 2010

Page 47

Through three cheese trees
three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew,
freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made
these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made
these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these
three free fleas sneeze.

- from "Fox In Socks"

by Dr. Seuss

06 January 2010

Rin-Tin-Tin, or Anne Boleyn?

So I dreamed last night that Blues Traveler was in town and I was helping them set up for a performance in some little-bitty community-center kind of venue. For some reason, just as the show was getting started, John Popper had to do something in another room, and he told me to go ahead and start it off! So the guys in the band were playing and I was on stage, microphone in hand, and I couldn't keep up at all - I didn't know the lyrics well enough to sing, without having them printed in front of me. I couldn't even fake it - it was awful!

04 January 2010

More Doodles

03 January 2010

Perspectives

Watching the Pixar Shorts with Emily (she calls them "the little movies.") I love their ability to breathe life and personality into an ordinary object, like a desk lamp.

I always admire people who have the ability to look at everyday things in a different way, and to see beyond what is visible. It's a skill I'm constantly trying to sharpen for myself.

Of course, one sure way to force a shift in perspective is to hang out with a small child. We were playing this morning with some of Emily's play food; from the other room I heard Emily tell Ken "You have a donut on your head." In what world, other than the mind of a child, would that statement be made so matter-of-factly?

02 January 2010

Work In Progress

Sample from the "painting" that I've been working on for the past couple days.
No idea what the finished product will look like yet.

The colors are inspired by watching the sun come up behind Mt. Hood.

01 January 2010

Changes

The past year has brought a lot of changes for me and my family: changes in employment and status, a change of location, time zone, climate... Sister Hazel's song "Change Your Mind" would make an appropriate theme song (if only the past year had been as filled with uplift and optimism as the song is!)

Like most times of change it has been painful, full of fear and resentment, and I'm glad it's over.

Several of my friends have pointed out the obvious fact that January 1 is not a magical day; that the practice of making Resolutions at the New Year is a questionable one - why should we limit ourselves to one day of striving for better things? I get that, and I do agree that we should set both long- and short-term goals throughout the year, and re-think them as often as necessary, not just once a year.

Still, it's hard to face a new year without hoping for better things. Conscious changes have to begin somewhere, and New Year's Day is as good a place to start as any. I like the idea that we're all standing together at our own starting lines, waiting for the gun (which sounds a lot like the "pop" of a bottle of sparkling wine at midnight.) We're all running our own races, but we're starting together - me, and my friends - at least the ones who still believe in New Year's magic - and all the people out there that I don't know and may never meet. I like the idea of joining in a ritual that is shared by so many.

For me, this year will be about getting acclimated to the Northwest. I look forward to learning more about the ways and habits of Portland and adapting them to my own lifestyle. I was excited about moving here, and I love it here - but the longer I live here, the more I discover how much of a Southerner I really am.

I want to start painting again. I started a new project last night, and had a great time working on it. I want to get back to all my artwork: painting, digital, all of it. I want to start classes again, preferably at the Art Institute here in Portland; Ken really wants me to start again right away, but I want to make sure we can pay our regular bills before I start worrying about affording books and software. I also want to get back into the habit of journaling - this blog has been very neglected, and I want to re-work it and try to find a new theme. I am going to try to write something every day, whether online or on paper. Just something.

I'm sure there will be more changes ahead. Maybe before another year is over, I will again be able to look forward to change.